DAY 1

One of the things I’ve been reading about lately is affirmations - that you should start each day with positive loving thoughts towards yourself. Before you even get out of bed or open your eyes - you tell yourself something wonderful. You think of everything you have to be grateful for. You set your intention for a wonderful day. I think that sounds like a nice way to start a day.

I half woke up to the hubbies alarm, as I always do, and was immediately met with a hurricane of fear, doubt and flat out self loathing. My thoughts began to race with regret over posting my last blog before going to bed. 

“What if it all sounds ridiculous? What if people just think I’m being stupid? What if I AM just being stupid? Why am I so freaking needy? Why didn’t I watch what I ate yesterday? I think I gained 5 pounds. Why is my husband making so much freaking noise this morning - I’ll never get back to sleep now! Maybe I should get up anyway and delete that stupid blog. What the hell am I thinking turning my life into some kind of confessional all of a sudden. Why can’t I remember any dreams for my dream journal?Why am I losing my freaking mind???!!!”

This is why I seek Jeebus at the church of Yoga.

Before I was even fully conscious I was consumed with the fear of failure and judgement. I felt sick and angry. And I deeply resented the fact that all of my usual numbing agents are off limits. No cooking show playing in the background while I check email and troll facebook looking for evidence that I have a life and people love me. No wine to look forward to after the trials of another day as a working stiff. 

So I got up. And I made a cup of tea. I decided it would be worth it to use up 1 of my 30 allotted facebook minutes just to confirm whether the whole world had in fact discovered that I’m a huge fraud and they all hate the blog - or worse yet - that they thought nothing! That no one cares and I have no new notifications. Horror of horrors.

But it turns out Ayla loves me. She thinks I already know this but it would be nice to hear anyway. She is right and I am grateful. Ayla loves me. Ayla loves me and I start to feel better.

I reread yesterdays post. It didn’t introduce the challenge in quite the way I had imagined introducing it - but it did introduce the challenge. It’s out there. And I’m still scared but as I reread I’m reminded of why I want to do all these things and go on this journey. 

I don’t want to tune out anymore. I want to tune in. I want to face the voices in my head  (ok seriously - I sound like a nutter) till they lose their grip. Or better yet - are replaced with feelings of acceptance and ease. I want peace of mind and a heart that is full gratitude.

So my eyes are open and I’m out of bed. I’m halfway through my cup of tea and it isn’t 8:00 am yet so I still have time to take a moment to ground myself before the work day.

5 reasons Ayla loves me and I should too.

1. I am honest. 
2. I am strong.
3. I’m a good kisser.
4. I make a mean turkey pot pie.
5. I have a good heart.

I have a lot of fear in me today. I feel better but I can still feel icy fingers wrapped around my heart, ready to squeeze my chest and fill me with dread. I think it’s because I’m daring to fight my demons. To drag their asses out into the light of day and expose their manipulations and techniques to the world. I’m threatening not to feed them and they aren’t going to take that lying down. They are willing - delighted even - to fight me, tooth and nail, on this journey of change. Because they know what I know.

It’s me or them. 

I really need to get to yoga today. They hate that.

Ok. I'm breathing.  I can do this. It's 8:15 am on Day 1 and I feel like a bit of a train-wreck. But I CAN do this. 

I can do this.