"...the lark, whose notes do beat/The vaulty heaven so high above our heads."

Two years ago I made the agonizing decision to give up my job as the artistic producer of a theatre company to begin the exciting and terrifying journey of starting over. I knew that I needed to get back to developing myself as an artist in a more personal way. I needed to be acting again. Running a company was amazing and unbelievably challenging and so rewarding. And I did it for 8 years! The only other job I'd done consistently for that long was my stint as a hot dog girl and that was summers only! This employment record is not a result of a lousy work ethic. It is a reflection of my need for challenge, change and reinvention.

I love to strive. It's who I am. I'm perfectly capable of living in and enjoying the moment, but eventually my eyes drift to the horizon. I love goals. I'm a Sagittarius. I like to take aim, set my sights and catapult myself toward the next target screaming: "NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It's one of the reasons acting is such a great fit for me. The actors life is in a constant state of renewal. Gigs typically last two or three months. And although the job is always to act, it's a different role, different play, different cast and crew. 

It can also create great discomfort and a sense of powerlessness because no matter how well you perform, there's always an end date, and rarely any assurance of a re-hire the next season. That can be deeply disheartening. 

I once quit acting (and theatre) completely for 4 years because I just couldn't stand the frustration of my fate consistently feeling like it was in someone else's hands, and judging that no matter how hard I worked, I was powerless in my own life. 

That was one of the reasons I stuck with the job of artistic producer for as long as I did. I had no interest in being an administrator but the pay off...! My God! 

I chose the plays I wanted to do! I chose the people I wanted to work with! It was heaven! And the control freak in me LOVED having my fingers in every last pie! 

(hehehe "fingers in pies"...sorry - I just binge watched Orange is the new Black).

Every season, every play, every rehearsal was a new horizon. It was so good for so long. And there was a very big part of me that thought - I could really do this. Like - for good. This could be it for me. Finally a liveable life in the arts.

But by the last couple of years I was just burned out. The company was thriving, the shows were getting bigger and better, and the calibre of artists drawn to working with us was thrilling.

The company was on the precipice of taking the next quantum leap...

And I was empty. The well just ran dry. And this desperate voice from deep inside was begging:

"Please! PLEASE! Can we do something for me?" 

At first I tried to negotiate a sabbatical, but it was a no go.

So I gave it up. I knew it would be hard. Giving up the steady paycheque. Giving up my identity in the community. Walking away from a dream I had been nurturing with my whole heart and soul for the better part of a decade. Walking away from the glue that had been binding my treasured theatre family, knowing that connection would never be quite the same again.

I knew it would be hard and it is. Two years later - it's hard. Not because I regret my decision. I have experienced things in the past two years that I wouldn't trade for anything. I have travelled. I was cast in the balcony scene with the wonderful Nathan Schmidt, and the pride and sheer joy I felt as we shared that scene with our comrades will stay with me as long as I live. I played Constance in King John in the Tina Packer Playhouse! And I played it well!! I have connected with amazing people from all over the world. I have trained with (and been unbelievably inspired by) the masterful teaching artists of Shakespeare & Company. 

I set my sights on seemingly impossible dreams and witnessed miracle after miracle as the unimaginable generousity and support of my community made those dreams a reality. I have been loved and supported and cheered on by the most beautiful beings in the universe.

But I'm scared.

I'm back home now and I don't know where I fit. I am starving artistically. I'm broke as hell. I'm deeply lonely. I feel invisible, irrelevant and powerless. The list goes on and it goes deep. The ground I am standing on feels like quicksand, but when I look to the horizon for somewhere to set my sites - I'm suddenly on a merry-go-round and I can't lock onto anything before it's spinning by too fast to recognize.

I have lost touch with my intuition. I'm struggling to trust myself. My thoughts are filled with second, third, fourth and fifth guessing my choices. I have never in my life read so many horoscopes. I'm just so desperate for some kind of guidance. I'm desperate to recognize something as Truth. Destiny. Next Action Required For Success. I've looked to horoscopes, meditation, yogic wisdoms (you know what I mean!), auditions, training programs, therapists...the list goes on. But all that seems to do is turn my merry-go-round spinning horizon into some kind of carnival duck-shooting-moving-targets-freak-show! "Guidance" just feels like torturous suffocating to me right now. Even the stuff that I know is rooted in best possible intentions from very wise and loving people.

I'm reminded of a moment during rehearsals when I was directing Romeo and Juliet.

It was very late in the process, just before moving into tech. Everyone was exhausted and the pressure at that time is always huge. The details are somewhat fuzzy but essentially the second half of the show wasn't working. I was at home pouring over my script after what had probably already been a 14 or 16 hour work day, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly I knew.  I needed to go in and make some major cuts. I knew there was a danger that the actors would take this as a reflection on them and it could potentially hurt morale but I also knew that what the actors wanted more than anything was for the show to work! At this point I had already made an enemy of a very generous volunteer who had built Juliets costumes because they didn't work with the rest of the design so I had to cut them. I don't like upsetting people - just to be clear - I DREAD IT. My desperate need for approval and paralyzing perfectionism makes the idea of people not liking me...you get the idea. It's not pretty. So I felt like I'd already gone 6 rounds with my demons. But I was excited, because as I made the cuts I knew they were going to work. I called my assistant director into the bedroom (because it was his bedroom too) to tell him my news and share the cuts with him. His immediate reaction was to try to talk me off the ledge. He thought I was panicking. He very rarely, if ever, questioned my artistic decisions. It was usually ME that doubted and him saying "you know what you're doing!" But he was convinced I was just stressed out and was in danger of creating a much bigger problem by bringing in these kinds of changes in so late in the day. He told me the show was great and that I was worrying too much. He asked me to at least sleep on it. 

He is wise. And loving. And I knew he had my best interests at heart. 

But I KNEW I was right. 

And I was. 

It was risky and dangerous and maybe even foolish. And he was right - I was pushing. That's what I do! That's who I am. Because to me good ISN'T good enough - not if it could be better. Not if it's something I'm passionate about.

I trusted my gut, faced my fears, and walked into rehearsal with new pages for the actors. It was fantastic. It lit a fire under the shows ass and gave everyone the energetic boost they needed for a heart pounding second act. To this day, I am proud of that production, and that decision.

I want that voice back. I want that voice to fly up from the depths of my soul like the morning lark and sing to me again. 

I know it's okay to not always know what comes next. My genius soul sister Melanie Jones has a whole brilliant TEDx Talk about it! But there is a place between all-knowing and this paralyzing merry-go-round of doubt, fear and denial of self! I want off the crazy ride.

So I'm doing this. I'm recommitting myself to my Selfe. 

(Shakespeare folio geeks delight! Selfe = Soul! Thanks Shakes & Co!!!) 

I need to start tuning out the so called wisdom of the world. It hasn't really been serving me. I need to do this. I need to speak as myself from my Selfe. I have to stop being so afraid of making mistakes. I WILL make mistakes. It's a pretty safe bet. But at least if I make them they will be MINE. Every time I write a blog post there is a HUGE part of me that is terrified it is a mistake. That's why I write so few! People will judge me, criticize me, pity me! What if they hate it? What if they think I'm ridiculous? What if I read how I really feel and they think it's stupid. What if I feel differently tomorrow? What if I say too much? Reveal too much. AM TOO MUCH???????

I have wanted to write for as long as I can remember. But these thoughts, these doubts, they haunt me. The fear of getting it wrong has crippled my creativity and momentum too many times to count. 

I used to always say that I would rather be alone than be with someone for the wrong reasons. I wore that credo like a badge of honour through YEARS and YEARS of loneliness. There were times when the loneliness seemed almost unbearable. But I can honestly tell you I never once regretted my standards.

Today I realized: 

I would rather risk everything being true to my Selfe, 

than gain anything denying my Selfe.

I wrote a few pieces a couple years ago. I sent one of them to a treasured mentor with an embarrassed note explaining that I'd attached two versions and wasn't really satisfied with either so more editing was required etc etc - and he wrote back:

"...When's the next piece of the play? Not time yet for re-writing. Prolific is the word. Come on Canada. Think Robertson Davies." 

I'm reminded of this response for two reasons. First, because he was just so effing on the mark. I have to just keep moving forward. Just keep going. Create create create. Don't get stuck in fear and minutia. And secondly, because I had no idea what he meant by the Robertson Davies reference and was too embarrassed to ask I googled it and found a quote that jumped out at me:

"Better a noble lie than a miserable truth." 

I read that and instantly a little voice inside responded with:

"Bullshit."
Clear as the morning lark at break of day.

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends..."

I love yoga. 
And most of the time my mat is the most peaceful and comforting place in the universe. 
I treasure that. 
I believe in the power of gratitude, surrender and acceptance. No question. 
But I also love myself. 
And sometimes I think what I really need is a place to scream bloody murder, and a big ass pile of gym mats to beat the living crap out of. 
Sometimes the thing that makes me feel the most miserable - is judging that I have no right to feel miserable. That I am creating my own misery. That any and all misery I experience is just a reflection of the miserable state of my inner life which is of course a product of my own choosing because I'm not zen enough to wake up in the morning and simply say "I choose happy!"
You know what that makes me want to wake up in the morning and say?
I'm guessing you do. So (just this once) I'll skip the profanity.
Because then, not only am I miserable, I'm guilt ridden, ashamed AND miserable. And confused. Because I DO want to be happy. And I want to be 'in the flow of the universe'. Of course I do!  I want to fulfill my lifes purpose and be a source of light or comfort or love or something positive for the world around me - while being who I was born to be. 
That is my f**&ing dream of f**&ing dreams! (I'm trying.)
I am an artist. I am an actor. And although there may be less evidence to support this claim - I believe I am a writer as well. The way I see it - I am a truth teller. 
(The current truth being that last sentence alone may disqualify me as a writer, but it's nearly two am and it has been a helluva...year).
I believe that perhaps my most important gift - IS FEELING. And not just GOOD. Not just HAPPY.
I don't want to live in a world where all movies have happy endings and Slam poets are all competing to see who can express the most gratitude. I don't want to live in a world where country singers croon about losing their girl and their truck and their dog but that's cool because BIG SPIRIT says just let go man. 
Nor do I want to live in a world where all yoga is taught by Henry Rollins clones.
But there is a time and a place. Dark AND light. 
Some days I can choose happy. Some days happy even chooses me. 
But some days my heart is fucking breaking and I don't know what to do. Somedays I don't want to see another living soul because I feel like a walking wound and I am ASHAMED that I can't just buck the fuck up and choose HAPPY! Sometimes those days turn into weeks. Weeks of me waiting, trying, hoping, meditating, hoping some more, trying AGAIN to find happy. So that I might once again be fit for public consumption. 
Too often the message I receive is that failing to be happy is essentially failing at life.
But you know what I think failing at life is? Being so fucking desperate for happiness that I'll take it any way I can get it. Being so afraid to feel my actual feelings that I bury them with food or booze or drugs or shopping or porn or botox or whatever the fuck I can get my hands on just so long as I can convince the world, and maybe even myself, that I am HAPPY.
I would rather cry through shavasana. 
Or better yet, scream bloody murder and beat the bejeebus out of some mats.
Or I guess, when it's way past bedtime and there are no mats to beat - write a blog post and fill it with F-bombs and all caps.
I chose to write here rather than my other blog because I've decided to go on my 90 day challenge again. Hopefully I will write more about that soon. For now I'll just say that it's been a rough year and I believe I need my whole and best self (INCLUDING BITCHY MISERABLE ME) to rise up and take the reigns. 
It's too bumpy a ride for IamLite.
I'm much too tired to edit this now, and if I wait until tomorrow I may get self conscious and editing could suddenly become "shaping" which could ultimately result in FAKING and the next thing you know - it's a fucking google image collage of kittens wearing t-shirts that say things like: 
"Don't FURRget to smile!!" 
So this post may be first draft-tastic - but it's what I got.

Bubble Bath Birthdays!!

I did it. I'm here. I'm happy.

God knows I haven't blogged nearly as much as I'd hoped to. Life has been daunting and busy and tired-making so I haven't done it. But I've definitely been thinking about it. And the journey sure as hell hasn't stopped.

And did I mention? I did it!
I'm here, and I'm happy.

I got through the 90 Day Challenge with the use of my 5 passes. I definitely had to realize quickly that certain battles were more important than others. After all - I have the rest of my life to get perfect. : )

So I watched too much television, I reflected on my dreams but didn't journal much, and as for the having fun challenge - I have fun. In my way. And I'll work on having more. But stressing out about having the right kind of fun just wasn't worth the worry at this point. Though I truly appreciate the sentiment behind the challenge.

Although I feel like I owe an accounting of my "progress" I really just feel like rambling a bit about how I feel right now. Please indulge me.

I turned 40 today. And I realized that with all the other goals and associations I'd linked to the day - I'd completely forgotten that my 29 year old soul was going to celebrate/face 40 years in this body.

You might think that freaks me out. And you'd be right.

But the truth is. My 29 year old soul has been working its magic on my 40 year old body - and I don't feel a day over 22 at the moment!! And given the fact that I lost a freakin' tooth this week??? I'd say that's a mighty fine accomplishment.

I took this year by the balls and made it my bitch. And that's just the way it is.

I am overcome with excitement right now. I have woken up and I'm ready to live! I know that there will be struggles and that I must be diligent not to fall into old traps because GOD KNOWS I am just so damn susceptible to my vices. But you know what - it's all part of me. And I don't mean that in a "good side/bad side" way. It's all one and the same. It's all me, and it 's all good.

I love my lust for life! I love that I will knock a grown man down in the street just because I can and he has it coming (don't worry - the blizzard broke his fall). I love that I will always love chocolate so much that rigorous exercise is the only path to salvation! I love that I'm passionate - even though that means ecstatic highs and desperate lows. Those ecstatic highs are what makes life worth living (and living it with me an epic adventure) and the lows are what make us human and teaches us that we all fall down, blessings must be counted, and all things are possible - for anyone. All the time.

Because I laugh, I am love.
Because I fear, I am love.
Because I dare, I am love.
Because I ache, I am love.
Because I long, I am love.
Because I live, I am love.

Because I love, I am.

I gave 45 pounds back to the universe. I want to be fit and agile to navigate my destiny.
I stretched and twisted my broken back into believing it can hold up the universe.
I spoke my truth and let the universe know that I wanted more.

I chose to live.

Side note - tonight was perhaps the best bubble bath yet. Scented candles, Adele on shuffle, and a b-day prezzie 'bath bomb' dedicated to my Karma. Bubbles, potions, lotions, and a girly glass of white, left me feeling all dreamy and grateful. And smelling FANTASTIC!

So let's see what December 6th has in store.
I'm ready.

The Challenge of Awakening

Oh my.

I am now beginning the third month in my personal challenge and I have to be honest and say that in some ways I feel like I'm starting all over. Even though I know that every day spent living a happier and more fulfilled life  - or even just another day spent striving for that  - becomes a kind of building block in the foundation of my future - sometimes it feels like I live in a house of cards and if one gets pulled out the whole damn deck comes flying apart, exposing a cowering and terrified version of me.

There is some back story needed here. But it's difficult to reveal. I'm already struggling with this feeling of shame or disappointment in myself and I'm much happier reporting on my successes frankly. But that's not what this journey is about and I need to get straight with myself today so I can move forward.

So Saturday was my big use a pass and go out dancing with my girlfriend night. I wanted to find a fun sexy costume that showed off 10 months of hard work losing weight. I wanted to enjoy my favourite cocktails and dance the night away in a sensual whirlwind of strength and abandon. I wanted to feel strong, healthy, beautiful and free. I had every intention of sweating off anything I drank and finishing the night with a soothing cup of tea and some girl talk. I was sure I would end the night having had a great time indulging my vices a bit, but ultimately proud of my ability to balance it all.

I mean why wouldn't it go that way?

But it didn't.

Nothing outrageous happened. But I didn't have a wonderful time and I did go to bed drunk. And I woke up feeling like I'd lost something. Something more precious than part of a costume or a purse. Like somehow I'd lost time or life or a part of my heart. I spent my pajama clad Sunday trying to understand why I felt so deeply disappointed. So deeply sad.

The facts were - for the past two months I have consumed next to no alcohol so just having a couple stiff drinks with my friend as we got ready was enough to get me right tipsy. Then when we got to the party, habit and custom led to a couple more drinks and so I was intoxicated. But it was more than just that - or at least it went to a place that was deeper. I just wasn't happy. I felt cheap (my sexy catwoman getup was NOT helping things). I felt desperate. Lonely. Scared?

Restless.

I just felt wrong. And I think that feeling led me to trying to find my missing mojo in a cocktail or on the dance floor but it was just as missing as my purse (which thank god Cheryl located minutes later). My mojo had left the building and instead of finding strength, purpose and meaning inside myself - I was looking for it on the scale, in the mirror, from strangers at a party, and in a cocktail.

Today is the first day of a 21 Day Awakening program that I'm doing at the Bodhi Tree. Every day we receive inspirational materials and tasks that are intended to help us 'awaken' to a deeper purpose, meaning in our lives in some way. That's the coles notes anyway. Todays challenge was to examine our limiting beliefs about ourselves. I think that my limiting beliefs probably have alot to do with what made my Saturday night leave me with such a sense of loss.

Here is what we were given to consider. I'm going take a kick at them here and now.

1. What kind of beliefs do you have about yourself, your goals, your life at the moment?

I'm scared to death at the moment. I resigned from a career I spent the past 8 years building and I don’t know what comes next. I applied for a position that would have given me direction and would have looked great on paper but found out last week that I was not offered the placement. I am left with the unknown and an empty bank account. I am afraid that I will fail. I’m afraid that reality will swoop in and smash the hell out of my dreams. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that I will disappear and all the magic will drain out of my life. I'm afraid my dreams are greater than my abilities and that I'll humiliate myself by stepping off the edge and landing with a splat.

2. Are these beliefs helping you or disempowering you? 

These are definitely not helpful thoughts. 

3. Are these beliefs true or just self-created boundaries? 

I don’t know. I know that there are days when I truly believe I am capable of creating a more beautiful life than I ever imagined. Then there are days when I remember how bad life can get and I fear the worst.

    

4. In what ways have you been selling yourself short by buying into these beliefs? 

I don’t trust that I am enough. I don’t give myself the same love and respect that I would give a friend. I don’t easily love or forgive myself. I assume that my worth is measurable in very surface and specific ways

    

5. Do you want to continue holding onto them? 

NO.

Now I'm suppose to list 5 limiting beliefs that I hold about myself. Oh God. Look away.

1. The older I get the less attractive I become and that makes people respect me less.

2. I do not have the talent to succeed in the career I want.

3. I will never be at peace with who I really am.

4. I will never love myself without conditions

5. I don't have the confidence and courage to live the life of my dreams.

Now I'm suppose to turn them around and make them affirmations that I will repeat to myself at least 5 times a day.

1. I am beautiful the way the I am and people respect me for being myself.

2. I have the creativity, talent and imagination to flourish in my career - any career I choose.

3. I am at peace with who and what I am today.

4. I love myself without conditions or limitations because I am ENOUGH.

5. I have the confidence and courage to fearlessly live the life of my dreams.

That is really hard for me to do today. I hate coming at things like this when you feel a bit kicked around - but I felt that it was important for me to commit to this homework today.

Ultimately I think what happened this weekend was the me who is emerging out of this year suddenly came face to face with an out of date version of myself and what was so disappointing to me was that new me just sat down and said "ok, if you want to dress up like someone needing to prove sexual relevance, drink too much and basically wander about aimlessly with nothing to offer beyond the smallest of talk and an empty gaze - have at 'er." I mean - WTF? I thought new, healthy, balanced Iam would have stepped in and been like - "sorry hunny - this show was cancelled in the 90's and you need to let it go already."

I'm bummed that I wasn't fabulous. I'm bummed that for the first time in my 90 day challenge I feel like I really failed. But I am grateful that I learned from it. And I really did. I came a step closer to understanding what I want for myself. And what I very definitely don't want for myself.

It was a helluva week that ended with a stomach flu so I haven't been to yoga in like 4 days now which hasn't helped any. I'm really hoping I'm up for it tomorrow.

I need to get back to my mat and back to myself. 

Update

Well I have definitely been missing in action of late - at least with regard to blogging. I've just been busy. Life requires more of me these days and that means I have to pick and choose my battles a bit more. I think I also just have to be kind to myself and acknowledge that I set myself up with a pretty massive challenge and sometimes I just need not to be thinking so much.

October is almost over and I do want to reflect on where I think it leaves me heading into the home stretch and ultimately - the great beyond.

I have now used two passes. I am extremely proud of how I have been approaching the passes. They have proven to be the best possible thing for me. I have been tempted by many things at different times but the passes allow me the opportunity to really think things through and choose a course of action based on what matters to me most. They don't involve failure - just decision. It has been an absolute eye opener for me as to how my mind works, and in some cases, under what circumstances it doesn't work as well. I have still only used two passes because ultimately my journey and its success has become more important than anything else. My priorities have shifted.

I am proud of myself. But I have also had to accept that I am not going to come out of all of this having been able to accomplish everything I initially set out to. And that's okay. I've realized that what I am accomplishing are the things that were the most crucial to my happiness. Taking care of diet, exercise and stay focused on keeping a clear mind and an open heart.

I am very much looking forward to a night out of drinks and dancing next weekend with my girlfriend. I feel like I've earned a fun night out and I know that I will have a great time and then get right back on my program. It will be my third pass - leaving me two for the month of November. My feeling at the moment is that I will likely use all five - not because I think I'd have a problem not using them - but because what I am really trying to give myself is a new sustainable lifestyle that isn't about extremes in one way or another.

There is one massive benefit that has come from all the changes. I have not had a single anxiety attack since the first week of September - and I have been in situations that would have resulted in an attack before all these changes. I said to myself that conquering the anxiety attacks was the number one most important goal in my life. I just couldn't go on living a life that was so vulnerable to attack! I am so happy to know that I have steered my ship away from those dark and dangerous waters. 

I have learned that while I am strong, I am also delicate. It is up to me to nourish my soul and my life with things that bring me joy and peace - because that gives me more strength and the stronger I am the more I can offer. It is also up to me to protect myself from traps that I know I am prone to. Most of all I have to protect myself from myself in many ways. I can't demand more than is reasonable. I have to love myself for who and what I am right this minute and know that I already have everything I need to be happy and successful and live a brilliant life!

I am getting very excited about heading to Massachusetts in January. I need to figure out how to finance this dream but I have some ideas brewing... I've also been offered a teaching opportunity next year which I am thrilled about. Acting and teaching are both absolute passions of mine and I am so grateful that I am being offered opportunities to explore them.

I am waiting on some very big news this week. I hope like hell I'll be in a position to share even more exhilarating plans soon. But no matter what comes my way I know that I am exactly where I need to be and I have everything it takes to face this new chapter of my life! 

I am almost two thirds of the way through my 90 day challenge and I have some great ideas to finish out this journey in a really beautiful way. And I'll be sure to share more in the next 30 days than I did in the last 30!!

I am incredibly grateful to be exactly where I am. 

Time (or... The Right Edge)

After months and months of torturing over a life changing decision, and then weeks of waiting until that decision could be made public, I am finally free to live out loud and proud and shamelessly giddy over what might come of it all.

Sounds a little like I'm coming out doesn't it?! But no - I'm just moving on.

Around eight years ago my life was infinitely blessed by a miracle in the form of an opportunity. I was offered the job of taking over artistic and managerial leadership of a little theatre company called The Shakespeare Company. I had spent one summer acting with the company and was already in love with all the potential it possesed. Having never directed before, let alone run a theatre company, I mustered up all my courage, gathered a very special group of passionate souls to join me, stepped off the edge of everything I knew and dared to dream of what could be.

Year after year our little family grew. I was blessed to have some of the most beautiful, generous and fiercely talented artists you could ever meet come to believe in and share my dream for what our company could grow to be.

Many of these artists became like family to me and I will love them all, more than they'll ever imagine, every day of my life. You were the best thing of all.

One of these great loves of my life even agreed to marry me! He was my secret crush through As You Like It (though my Phebe could never let his Silvius know THAT!!) His unrequited love broke my heart the summer of The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Finally we fell in love behind the trees during Much Ado About Nothing and his Richard rocked my world in Henry VI Part III. Our commitment deepened through Twelfth Night and Romeo and Juliet and we were engaged after the closing night performance of The Taming of the Shrew; in the very vineyard where I first knew he was 'the one'. Eight months later we were married with the Athenians in the magical forest of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I am so grateful to have spent my 30's surrounded and supported by so much love, and passionately pouring my life's energy into a dream that I will always be so immensely proud of. I have memories that make my heart soar (far too many to name) and I have lines on my face carved out by the intensity of everything I experienced on this journey. My time with The Shakespeare Company has played a huge role in making me the woman I am today and I am enormously proud of everything I accomplished.

Because I love this company so much, the thought of leaving was terrifying. I struggled for months - torturing over 'what ifs', mourning the potential loss no less than I would the death of a loved one, and wrestling with anxiety and fear over whether I would live to see doubt grow into agonizing regret.

But there is a voice deep inside that keeps calling my name.

It says it's time to move forward, time to let the sunshine play on my face and soak up the delicious freedom that lies in the great unknown. It says that I have given this dream everything I have to give, and now it is time to set myself free.

Time to fill the well.
Time to nurture the dreams that lie in wait.
Time to step off a new edge.
Time for me.

Finally at peace with the decision that took me an entire year to make, I sat at my desk, surrounded by memories and precious keepsakes of 8 years well lived, and I wrote my letter of resignation. I advised the board of my decision and assured them that I knew in my heart of hearts that it was time for them to bless another life with this incredible opportunity.

And I am so very excited for what the future holds for that fortunate soul and for the next evolution of this company that I love - so very, very, very much.

There are a few dreams I've had for some years now that I've always put to one side because my commitment to TSC came first. In the past few months I have begun the intimidating but exhilarating process of pursuing them.

One is a month long intensive with Shakespeare & Company in Lenox Mass. for classical actor training that takes place in January each year. Since my work with TSC officially ends in December, I was suddenly free to apply. I couldn't imagine a more amazing way to step back into my life as an artist than to go immerse myself in an intense classical training program. What a way to fully dive back into the skin of the actor who is at the very core of who I am. What an AMAZING way to nurture my creative self and help prepare myself for a new year full of all kinds of new challenges.

This afternoon I was happy, but everything felt a bit surreal. It was mere hours before I'd finally be releasing the boards statement about my decision to the public. The end of this chapter would be that much more real and I still had no idea what the next chapter would involve. It was a little scary.

And then my letter of acceptance into the Shakespeare & Company Intensive arrived.

A message from the universe:

"You just go ahead and keep on dreaming Iam - because you are standing on EXACTLY the right edge."

Thank you.

I am full of love and gratitude, hope and anticipation,
and many more dreams.

Happiness

I've had a really great last few days. I'm not sure what it is or what magical combination of ingredients are responsible, but I am high on life and radiating a genuinely joyful glow.

Here are a few possible contributing factors.

1. Yoga. I am in my second week of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge and my body feels great and grateful for so much loving attention sent its way. I started back at the studio August 1st and have been averaging  4-6 Hot Yoga classes a week since then. I love everything about the studio. The smell of scented sprays and essential oils in the air, gentle not cloying, puts me at ease the minute I walk through the door. The soothing music and quiet voices and the pitter patter of yogi feet on the slightly tacky studio floor as my fellow practitioners set up their mats. Most of all the symphony of breath - inhales to nourish, exhales to release and the slow even breaths of shavasana - all sweet music to soothe my soul. The teachers always meet me at my mat with exactly the lessons I need to learn that day. Every single class feels like a gift from the universe. And all the sweet radiant faces filling the halls, the change room, walking in and out of the front door - these glowing hearts reaching out to offer just a little glimpse of their love.
Deep lovely sigh. I love this place, this practice, this path.

2. Green Smoothies!! I have been on the green smoothie train for breakfast for the past week or two and my diet in general has been loaded with fresh veggies, green soups, smoothies, salads and teas! Sweetener has been eliminated as has pop, dairy, meat, soy, and sugary treats - though I still indulge in my favorite baked chips and 85% cacao organic chocolate when I want a treat (which is often!) Bread is nearly non existent at the moment. And I have to say. I FEEL AMAZING!! I have energy to spare most days and when I don't I'm just listening to my body and resting till I do again. My skin has a rosy glow and I don't feel like my eyes looks nearly as tired as they did not that long ago. I've lost a couple of pounds but mostly I'm just maintaining the weight loss I accomplished before the summer which is a fantastic thing as my tendency is yo yo up and down - lose for 6 months - gain for 12 months - lose for 6 months - and so on.

3. No Booze. And of all the things I've given up - except for meat - I miss it the least (shocker of shockers)! I don't think all of this is leading to me never drinking again, but I think it helped me break a pattern of behavior in which I was looking to the wrong things to find comfort, or relaxation, or escape.
Because alcohol is a depressant, I think I'm now enjoying a brighter outlook without it. I have more clarity, more energy, and most wonderfully, I have more of my true self to offer anyone I engage with - including myself. I expect when I have seen my challenge through to the end I will occasionally once again enjoy sharing a bottle of red with my husband on a cold winter night, or with a girlfriend as we pour our hearts out to each other. I certainly believe that a party night with a brand new outfit and a sinful martini will see me letting loose on a dance floor and enjoying total abandon in the moment. But my sincere wish for myself is that I never lose sight of how wonderful it feels to be clear, and bright, totally myself and available, because I nourish my body and soul on a regular basis with things that fill me with energy and strength. And that I always remember that I do not need to alter my mind or mood with substances, because what I have to offer when I am totally sober and present is beautiful, genuine, powerful and interesting. And that I am far more relaxed after yoga, a long walk and Bubble Bath Sunday, than after any glass of Red I can ever remember.

4. Sweet Phebe walks, and nature appreciation. I am so blessed to have this amazing puppy who gives me the best reason in the world to go to most beautiful spots I can get to and walk for miles and miles every day.  We have been so lucky to spend so many sunny fall afternoons exploring the fields of Nose Hill Park. Or basking in the golden leafy canopy of the tree lined streets of our neighbourhood. We share a huge  bottle of water along the way and try to avoid accidentally killing any grasshoppers. She does her best not to chase after bicycles and I try to remember that no matter how many calories you'd like to burn, sometimes you've just got to slow down and smell things. She looks up at me with so much happiness that I can't help but laugh and tell her she's a goof, and such a good girl, such a good, good girl. And then she runs off to the next smell disappearing into the tall grass and I look up and try to memorize the beauty of the trees and taking a deep deep breath to fill up on the joy of it all.

I am so unbelievably blessed right now. I am full of love and gratitude and hope for tomorrow. I am falling back in love with life and with myself. And now to bed - because I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.
xo!