October is almost over and I do want to reflect on where I think it leaves me heading into the home stretch and ultimately - the great beyond.
I have now used two passes. I am extremely proud of how I have been approaching the passes. They have proven to be the best possible thing for me. I have been tempted by many things at different times but the passes allow me the opportunity to really think things through and choose a course of action based on what matters to me most. They don't involve failure - just decision. It has been an absolute eye opener for me as to how my mind works, and in some cases, under what circumstances it doesn't work as well. I have still only used two passes because ultimately my journey and its success has become more important than anything else. My priorities have shifted.
I am proud of myself. But I have also had to accept that I am not going to come out of all of this having been able to accomplish everything I initially set out to. And that's okay. I've realized that what I am accomplishing are the things that were the most crucial to my happiness. Taking care of diet, exercise and stay focused on keeping a clear mind and an open heart.
I am very much looking forward to a night out of drinks and dancing next weekend with my girlfriend. I feel like I've earned a fun night out and I know that I will have a great time and then get right back on my program. It will be my third pass - leaving me two for the month of November. My feeling at the moment is that I will likely use all five - not because I think I'd have a problem not using them - but because what I am really trying to give myself is a new sustainable lifestyle that isn't about extremes in one way or another.
There is one massive benefit that has come from all the changes. I have not had a single anxiety attack since the first week of September - and I have been in situations that would have resulted in an attack before all these changes. I said to myself that conquering the anxiety attacks was the number one most important goal in my life. I just couldn't go on living a life that was so vulnerable to attack! I am so happy to know that I have steered my ship away from those dark and dangerous waters.
I have learned that while I am strong, I am also delicate. It is up to me to nourish my soul and my life with things that bring me joy and peace - because that gives me more strength and the stronger I am the more I can offer. It is also up to me to protect myself from traps that I know I am prone to. Most of all I have to protect myself from myself in many ways. I can't demand more than is reasonable. I have to love myself for who and what I am right this minute and know that I already have everything I need to be happy and successful and live a brilliant life!
I am getting very excited about heading to Massachusetts in January. I need to figure out how to finance this dream but I have some ideas brewing... I've also been offered a teaching opportunity next year which I am thrilled about. Acting and teaching are both absolute passions of mine and I am so grateful that I am being offered opportunities to explore them.
I am waiting on some very big news this week. I hope like hell I'll be in a position to share even more exhilarating plans soon. But no matter what comes my way I know that I am exactly where I need to be and I have everything it takes to face this new chapter of my life!
I am almost two thirds of the way through my 90 day challenge and I have some great ideas to finish out this journey in a really beautiful way. And I'll be sure to share more in the next 30 days than I did in the last 30!!
I am incredibly grateful to be exactly where I am.
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