Update

Well I have definitely been missing in action of late - at least with regard to blogging. I've just been busy. Life requires more of me these days and that means I have to pick and choose my battles a bit more. I think I also just have to be kind to myself and acknowledge that I set myself up with a pretty massive challenge and sometimes I just need not to be thinking so much.

October is almost over and I do want to reflect on where I think it leaves me heading into the home stretch and ultimately - the great beyond.

I have now used two passes. I am extremely proud of how I have been approaching the passes. They have proven to be the best possible thing for me. I have been tempted by many things at different times but the passes allow me the opportunity to really think things through and choose a course of action based on what matters to me most. They don't involve failure - just decision. It has been an absolute eye opener for me as to how my mind works, and in some cases, under what circumstances it doesn't work as well. I have still only used two passes because ultimately my journey and its success has become more important than anything else. My priorities have shifted.

I am proud of myself. But I have also had to accept that I am not going to come out of all of this having been able to accomplish everything I initially set out to. And that's okay. I've realized that what I am accomplishing are the things that were the most crucial to my happiness. Taking care of diet, exercise and stay focused on keeping a clear mind and an open heart.

I am very much looking forward to a night out of drinks and dancing next weekend with my girlfriend. I feel like I've earned a fun night out and I know that I will have a great time and then get right back on my program. It will be my third pass - leaving me two for the month of November. My feeling at the moment is that I will likely use all five - not because I think I'd have a problem not using them - but because what I am really trying to give myself is a new sustainable lifestyle that isn't about extremes in one way or another.

There is one massive benefit that has come from all the changes. I have not had a single anxiety attack since the first week of September - and I have been in situations that would have resulted in an attack before all these changes. I said to myself that conquering the anxiety attacks was the number one most important goal in my life. I just couldn't go on living a life that was so vulnerable to attack! I am so happy to know that I have steered my ship away from those dark and dangerous waters. 

I have learned that while I am strong, I am also delicate. It is up to me to nourish my soul and my life with things that bring me joy and peace - because that gives me more strength and the stronger I am the more I can offer. It is also up to me to protect myself from traps that I know I am prone to. Most of all I have to protect myself from myself in many ways. I can't demand more than is reasonable. I have to love myself for who and what I am right this minute and know that I already have everything I need to be happy and successful and live a brilliant life!

I am getting very excited about heading to Massachusetts in January. I need to figure out how to finance this dream but I have some ideas brewing... I've also been offered a teaching opportunity next year which I am thrilled about. Acting and teaching are both absolute passions of mine and I am so grateful that I am being offered opportunities to explore them.

I am waiting on some very big news this week. I hope like hell I'll be in a position to share even more exhilarating plans soon. But no matter what comes my way I know that I am exactly where I need to be and I have everything it takes to face this new chapter of my life! 

I am almost two thirds of the way through my 90 day challenge and I have some great ideas to finish out this journey in a really beautiful way. And I'll be sure to share more in the next 30 days than I did in the last 30!!

I am incredibly grateful to be exactly where I am. 

Time (or... The Right Edge)

After months and months of torturing over a life changing decision, and then weeks of waiting until that decision could be made public, I am finally free to live out loud and proud and shamelessly giddy over what might come of it all.

Sounds a little like I'm coming out doesn't it?! But no - I'm just moving on.

Around eight years ago my life was infinitely blessed by a miracle in the form of an opportunity. I was offered the job of taking over artistic and managerial leadership of a little theatre company called The Shakespeare Company. I had spent one summer acting with the company and was already in love with all the potential it possesed. Having never directed before, let alone run a theatre company, I mustered up all my courage, gathered a very special group of passionate souls to join me, stepped off the edge of everything I knew and dared to dream of what could be.

Year after year our little family grew. I was blessed to have some of the most beautiful, generous and fiercely talented artists you could ever meet come to believe in and share my dream for what our company could grow to be.

Many of these artists became like family to me and I will love them all, more than they'll ever imagine, every day of my life. You were the best thing of all.

One of these great loves of my life even agreed to marry me! He was my secret crush through As You Like It (though my Phebe could never let his Silvius know THAT!!) His unrequited love broke my heart the summer of The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Finally we fell in love behind the trees during Much Ado About Nothing and his Richard rocked my world in Henry VI Part III. Our commitment deepened through Twelfth Night and Romeo and Juliet and we were engaged after the closing night performance of The Taming of the Shrew; in the very vineyard where I first knew he was 'the one'. Eight months later we were married with the Athenians in the magical forest of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

I am so grateful to have spent my 30's surrounded and supported by so much love, and passionately pouring my life's energy into a dream that I will always be so immensely proud of. I have memories that make my heart soar (far too many to name) and I have lines on my face carved out by the intensity of everything I experienced on this journey. My time with The Shakespeare Company has played a huge role in making me the woman I am today and I am enormously proud of everything I accomplished.

Because I love this company so much, the thought of leaving was terrifying. I struggled for months - torturing over 'what ifs', mourning the potential loss no less than I would the death of a loved one, and wrestling with anxiety and fear over whether I would live to see doubt grow into agonizing regret.

But there is a voice deep inside that keeps calling my name.

It says it's time to move forward, time to let the sunshine play on my face and soak up the delicious freedom that lies in the great unknown. It says that I have given this dream everything I have to give, and now it is time to set myself free.

Time to fill the well.
Time to nurture the dreams that lie in wait.
Time to step off a new edge.
Time for me.

Finally at peace with the decision that took me an entire year to make, I sat at my desk, surrounded by memories and precious keepsakes of 8 years well lived, and I wrote my letter of resignation. I advised the board of my decision and assured them that I knew in my heart of hearts that it was time for them to bless another life with this incredible opportunity.

And I am so very excited for what the future holds for that fortunate soul and for the next evolution of this company that I love - so very, very, very much.

There are a few dreams I've had for some years now that I've always put to one side because my commitment to TSC came first. In the past few months I have begun the intimidating but exhilarating process of pursuing them.

One is a month long intensive with Shakespeare & Company in Lenox Mass. for classical actor training that takes place in January each year. Since my work with TSC officially ends in December, I was suddenly free to apply. I couldn't imagine a more amazing way to step back into my life as an artist than to go immerse myself in an intense classical training program. What a way to fully dive back into the skin of the actor who is at the very core of who I am. What an AMAZING way to nurture my creative self and help prepare myself for a new year full of all kinds of new challenges.

This afternoon I was happy, but everything felt a bit surreal. It was mere hours before I'd finally be releasing the boards statement about my decision to the public. The end of this chapter would be that much more real and I still had no idea what the next chapter would involve. It was a little scary.

And then my letter of acceptance into the Shakespeare & Company Intensive arrived.

A message from the universe:

"You just go ahead and keep on dreaming Iam - because you are standing on EXACTLY the right edge."

Thank you.

I am full of love and gratitude, hope and anticipation,
and many more dreams.