Happiness

I've had a really great last few days. I'm not sure what it is or what magical combination of ingredients are responsible, but I am high on life and radiating a genuinely joyful glow.

Here are a few possible contributing factors.

1. Yoga. I am in my second week of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge and my body feels great and grateful for so much loving attention sent its way. I started back at the studio August 1st and have been averaging  4-6 Hot Yoga classes a week since then. I love everything about the studio. The smell of scented sprays and essential oils in the air, gentle not cloying, puts me at ease the minute I walk through the door. The soothing music and quiet voices and the pitter patter of yogi feet on the slightly tacky studio floor as my fellow practitioners set up their mats. Most of all the symphony of breath - inhales to nourish, exhales to release and the slow even breaths of shavasana - all sweet music to soothe my soul. The teachers always meet me at my mat with exactly the lessons I need to learn that day. Every single class feels like a gift from the universe. And all the sweet radiant faces filling the halls, the change room, walking in and out of the front door - these glowing hearts reaching out to offer just a little glimpse of their love.
Deep lovely sigh. I love this place, this practice, this path.

2. Green Smoothies!! I have been on the green smoothie train for breakfast for the past week or two and my diet in general has been loaded with fresh veggies, green soups, smoothies, salads and teas! Sweetener has been eliminated as has pop, dairy, meat, soy, and sugary treats - though I still indulge in my favorite baked chips and 85% cacao organic chocolate when I want a treat (which is often!) Bread is nearly non existent at the moment. And I have to say. I FEEL AMAZING!! I have energy to spare most days and when I don't I'm just listening to my body and resting till I do again. My skin has a rosy glow and I don't feel like my eyes looks nearly as tired as they did not that long ago. I've lost a couple of pounds but mostly I'm just maintaining the weight loss I accomplished before the summer which is a fantastic thing as my tendency is yo yo up and down - lose for 6 months - gain for 12 months - lose for 6 months - and so on.

3. No Booze. And of all the things I've given up - except for meat - I miss it the least (shocker of shockers)! I don't think all of this is leading to me never drinking again, but I think it helped me break a pattern of behavior in which I was looking to the wrong things to find comfort, or relaxation, or escape.
Because alcohol is a depressant, I think I'm now enjoying a brighter outlook without it. I have more clarity, more energy, and most wonderfully, I have more of my true self to offer anyone I engage with - including myself. I expect when I have seen my challenge through to the end I will occasionally once again enjoy sharing a bottle of red with my husband on a cold winter night, or with a girlfriend as we pour our hearts out to each other. I certainly believe that a party night with a brand new outfit and a sinful martini will see me letting loose on a dance floor and enjoying total abandon in the moment. But my sincere wish for myself is that I never lose sight of how wonderful it feels to be clear, and bright, totally myself and available, because I nourish my body and soul on a regular basis with things that fill me with energy and strength. And that I always remember that I do not need to alter my mind or mood with substances, because what I have to offer when I am totally sober and present is beautiful, genuine, powerful and interesting. And that I am far more relaxed after yoga, a long walk and Bubble Bath Sunday, than after any glass of Red I can ever remember.

4. Sweet Phebe walks, and nature appreciation. I am so blessed to have this amazing puppy who gives me the best reason in the world to go to most beautiful spots I can get to and walk for miles and miles every day.  We have been so lucky to spend so many sunny fall afternoons exploring the fields of Nose Hill Park. Or basking in the golden leafy canopy of the tree lined streets of our neighbourhood. We share a huge  bottle of water along the way and try to avoid accidentally killing any grasshoppers. She does her best not to chase after bicycles and I try to remember that no matter how many calories you'd like to burn, sometimes you've just got to slow down and smell things. She looks up at me with so much happiness that I can't help but laugh and tell her she's a goof, and such a good girl, such a good, good girl. And then she runs off to the next smell disappearing into the tall grass and I look up and try to memorize the beauty of the trees and taking a deep deep breath to fill up on the joy of it all.

I am so unbelievably blessed right now. I am full of love and gratitude and hope for tomorrow. I am falling back in love with life and with myself. And now to bed - because I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.
xo!

Sticky Bits

Maybe that should be my Burlesque handle? Mizz Sticky Bitz.

I like it.

So I'm turning in a pass. 1/5.

I'm very happy to report that my indulgence wasn't eating an entire roast pig and washing it down with a bottle of Bombay. I haven't had a massive set back in my thinking or my pretty darn healthy lifestyle. But over the past 48 hours I've definitely been a bit more checked out and I've been medicating 'something' with a total rejection of my tv and facebook rules and with junk food. On the one hand I'm eating cleaner than I ever have, but then I'm craving salt and sugar and the chips and popcorn. Yesterday I even gave in to a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. My days are mostly good but as the evening comes in I definitely start feeling more 'restless'. Hmm. There's that word again.

oooh!ooh! - Mz. Restless Sticky-Bitz.

So I decided two things. 

1. I'm a little bit off track and I can see that I'm becoming slightly apathetic about some of the commitments I made to myself. I can feel a kind of white noise threatening to rise up and disconnect me from myself.

2. I haven't quit. I AM committed. I'm fessing up to the above and recognizing that it is just a pass and I have exactly the opportunity I hoped the passes would offer. The chance to examine why?

The reason sticky bits are on my radar today is because earlier I was trying to put my finger on what it was I was feeling. I was struck by a memory of a yoga teacher talking about the 'sticky bits' - the places of tightness and clutter in the body. We release them by bringing awareness to where and what they are and then breathing into them - consciously relaxing and letting go of that tension - ultimately dissolving them so that they can be washed away by our blood and our breathe. 

At least that's how I see it.

This 'restlessness' is like a network of these sticky bits deep inside my soul.

They have the presence of something lurking, not clearly visible or understood, but there - always picking at the edges, mumbling, wanting...needing. Restless is always hungry. Always moving. Always on the edge - threatening to jump. Needing the thrill. Needing the hunger...

Needing the fight. 

Not with anyone else. I don't fight with other people. If I start to I usually just end up crying. 

I always turn the fight inside.

I developed an eating disorder by about the age of 11. 

I guess that 10th birthday musta really took it out of me.

I struggled with feelings of self loathing and shame. I always felt like I was a liabilty. My family life was strained. It's a small family. Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother. Everyone was taxed to their emotional limits and my desperate need for love and approval was just not the most serious issue. Until I changed that. 

I felt selfish. I felt guilty. But I couldn’t stop needing. 

And when I didn’t get those needs met I started acting out. 

You will see me! You will see me!

It just made everything worse. Shame, guilt, regret, loneliness. Hunger.

So I ate. But no amount of food could fill the void.

I would starve myself all day for fear that if anyone saw me eating they would think 

“That’s why you’re so fat. That’s why you’re disgusting.”

I’d starve myself until I got home after school and would then immediately start eating anything I could find to ease the hunger. Then I would feel sick and stupid and weak. 

"I deserve to be fat. I am a pig." 

And so I’d eat and eat until I hated myself enough to know that I deserved to be punished. That I had to pay the price for being such a pig. 

Then I’d throw up. 

And I’d feel better. Stronger and more in control. More deserving of love.

But still ashamed.

I was 11.

I find it very interesting that out of all the challenges I posed for myself - food would be the first red flag. I thought for sure it would be alcohol - as I had it pegged for my favourite medicine. And yet it is food (and television) that has been the greater struggle.

Does drinking drown the hunger? Does television silence the hunger?

If I give up those things, am I left with only the hunger? 

WHAT AM I HUNGRY FOR???

I am breathing into you sticky bits. 

I can feel you. 

I can acknowledge you. 

I am breathing into you and I am letting go.

Gratitude

I am so grateful for:

- the love and support of my friends and family who lift me up and hold me tight when the ground comes out from under.

- the golden leaves that smell like the first day of school and remind me that no matter what we give up we are left with everything to gain again.

- my body for showing up when I want to go further and for letting me know when it's time to rest.

- my puppy for loving me no matter what kind of day we are having and for being the best wake up    snuggler EVER!!

- Northern lights, shooting stars, full moons and fireworks - for reminding me of the beauty I might have missed if I was still looking down.

Intuition

Today was the first group meeting for the 30 Day Yoga Challenge I’m doing with the Bodhi Tree. The moment I came into the room and took my seat in the circle of participants a very clear voice spoke from within me and said:

“This is exactly where you are supposed to be.” 

It was a great comfort that the message was so clear. 

There are times when the task of trying to sort out 'the right path' is overwhelming and totally confusing. 

Change is scary and I feel like life has been such a roller coaster lately that what I want or feel is right can change dramatically from week to week.

My friend Melanie gave me the challenge of developing my intuition. She recommended a book by Shakti Gawain and asked that I read it and apply the exercises and principles to my life over the next few months. I am on my second read and am working on recognizing the difference between my intuition and some of the other voices that can be pretty daunting as they come from places of fear or insecurity or ego. 

I truly believe that I’m becoming more in tune with “the flow of life”.

I also did a wonderful thing and put the audio book recording of The Alchemist on my ipod for dog walks with Phebe. It is a book I have loved since my early university days - a fable about following your dreams. It was the perfect thing to revisit right now. It was totally inspiring and so achingly nostalgic to be reminded of what moved me so deeply when I was so so young. I thought a lot about old friends and all the hopes and dreams we shared when passion and possibilities were everything.

I have had some powerful intuitive feelings lately. They are physically palpable. Not that that should surprise me. 

I have definitely learned how physically debilitating anxiety can be this past year. 

Sadness can make you nauseous. Fear makes your heart race. Desire causes...nevermind - you get the drift.

So it just makes sense that that the body would also respond physically to the soul when an important message is being delivered through intuition.

It’s funny that I have spent all year struggling with a question that I have always known the answer to. Nevertheless I have searched for guidance from every source I could access: friends, books, tarot cards, gin bottles, yoga classes, oceans. 

I was the only one who could possibly answer the question but the truth is - I didn't trust myself. I couldn't. 

Because I knew that I was living a life that was about disconnecting from my real feelings. 

I was tuning out because tuning in was too daunting. 

But that didn’t stop that voice deep inside me from fighting to be heard. 

And now that I’m tuning in and taking care of myself I can trust that voice. 

It’s my intuition. It’s me. 

And that bitch is KRAZY!!! : )

In other news:

PASSES - On Friday I was deeply tempted to cash in a pass and head to a dance floor fueled by martini’s and madness. I was RESTLESS. I was only 9 days into a 90 day challenge and I was itching to give in to my party girl. It was really great though that a pass was an option because knowing I could gave me the opportunity to really consider why I wanted to. Perhaps even more important was the opportunity to consider what I wanted - even more. 

I know that I definitely have more to learn about what it is exactly that I get out of a crazy dance night. I think attention is part of it, as is release, and FUN, but I know there is more to it than that and I have a bit more untangling to do before I can truly understand it.

What was great though was that I ultimately decided that it was more important to me right now to stay the course. I’m just beginning to feel some positive affects from all the changes and I didn’t want to do anything that had any chance of diminishing them.

I feel like there is something very delicate and fragile blossoming in my life and I’m the only one who can nourish and protect it. I have to be vigilant about protecting it - most of all from myself, because I know I have the potential to destroy this sacred thing. 

Television - this has been harder than expected simply because in order to see it through completely I wind up having to segregate myself from the rest of the household. It isn’t fair of me to impose my rules on the whole house and I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly removing myself from the toxic behaviour of others. It was feeling a bit ‘judgy’. There is a huge decline in the amount of time I spend watching television definitely. But sometimes I just let it slide as something in the background as I read or something so that I can still hang out with the rest of the family.

Dream Journal - all I can say is that it’s a good thing it’s a journal and not a blog because I have had some doozies!! I decided right away that the details are definitely better kept to myself. What is cool though is a) I’m dreaming and remembering!! and b) I am definitely receiving guidance and insight.

Food - I’m all about the vegetarianism and have cut out all dairy too. It's all green smoothies, green soups and lemon water these days. Oh and...um...chips.  I’m keen to get into this more but in another blog.

Art Appreciation - this isn’t a huge priority at the moment but is currently definitely taking the form of music appreciation.

Nature Appreciation - Dog walks every day make this one pretty easy. God I love fall.

PLAY - My mom gave me her challenge a bit later than the rest and I’m behind on it. Her challenge to me was to go on Play Dates. Whether it’s learning to knit or taking a dance class with a friend, she wants me to develop more play in my life. I am definitely going to devote a separate post for this because my guess is that it is mixed up in why I wanted to hit a dance floor on Friday - but that’s for another day as well.

Bubble Bath Sunday - once again I eased my aching bod into a steaming oasis of bath salts and bubbles and thanked God that I had chosen to make it part of my challenge. Todays musical companions were Leonard Cohen and Jill Scott. It was heaven.

Bubble Bath Sunday

I have successfully completed my first Bubble Bath Sunday. I bought a new cd by one of my yoga teachers (Amy) at Bodhi Tree which was absolutely the perfect soundtrack to close out this roller coaster week.There were bath salts (thanks to my ‘Queens’) and bubbles and my aching back and feet were crying out in ecstasy.

I’m clean, I’m relaxed and I’m pretty content all round. Though I have to tell you, the “Nutracleanse” gruel that I just spooned reluctantly down my throat makes a sorry ass substitute for a glass of red.

But I digress.

Ahhhhhhh. Where to begin?

I haven’t posted anything in a few days because I’ve been pretty busy just trying to keep up with it all. Somehow I imagined cutting out so many vices would lead to loads of extra time but that hasn’t been the case. And I thought early nights and clean living would result in feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, but actually I’ve felt really beat. And I think I’ve started to understand why.

I’m not physically addicted to my ‘numb’-ers. I can go without a drink or a boobtube distraction or tub of Haagen Daaz ‘physically’ no problem. For me it’s a mental or emotional addiction. Alcohol has always been my ‘gone fishing’ shingle. It’s how I tell the world and myself that I’ve closed up shop for the day. Without it I sometimes struggle with guilt over chores I should have done or an email I should have sent or that whole giant project I haven’t figured out yet. Or I that I have to face that conversation I need to have with someone. Worst thing of all is just being left with all these damn voices in my head!! Telling me I shouldn’t be relaxing when there are so many things I “ought” to do. 

Enter television. The sweet distraction of someone else’s insanity. I don’t have problems so long as I’m not the one screeching “Who wants to see my HOH Room!!???” or being voted off the island or not getting the rose. See, I’ve come to love reality shows just because there is absolutely no way I’ll have to think or feel anything real as long as they are on. I know. I am a horrible person and you have less respect for me already. You’re all watching documentaries or the news or some fascinating 60 minute interview with a humanitarian who is telling us we are destroying the planet. You should hang out with my husband - he’s all about them. Well, that and zombie movies. He wants to know exactly how we are destroying the planet or every possible way in which the world could end.

But I don’t want to face that stuff. It’s too hard. It overwhelms me. It leads to Haagen Daaz.

I never remember dreams. Well hardly ever. I was disappointed I hadn’t had any dreams to journal about so last night, right before I went to sleep, I asked:

“Bring me dreams. Bring me dreams. Bring me dreams.” And Holy Shit - if it didn’t work! I had three!!!

After journalling about them this morning I realized that they were all about one thing (well two were - in one all I remember is making Prof. Black a deli sandwich at a block party because he couldn’t reach the meat) - anyway - they were all about feeling overwhelmed. Wanting ‘off the ride’. Missing the bus. Carrying bags that were way too heavy. Not being able to get where I was going. Being jealous, scared, attacked, denied, afraid, embarrassed. Exhausted.

So no I didn’t wake up extra bushy tailed per-say, but perhaps with a little more insight?

And the purpose of this challenge is ultimately to just face it. I don’t know about fixing anything, but I am ready to face things and that’s enough right now. That’s LOTS.

So I tune out because I fear that tuning in will overwhelm me. Or something like that.

And what I think I’m coming to understand is that I have to face things head on. And if a giant wave of holy crap starts heading straight for me I just have to take a deep breath and surrender. Not lie down and drown. Just stand, firmly rooted, and surrender to the fact that if the wave does crash all I can do is let it and see where I stand when it’s all over.

Maybe I should have taken those surf lessons...

I am grateful that I am healthy. I am grateful that I have an incredible support system. I am grateful for having the Bodhi Tree to go to and that I always receive just what I need there. I am grateful that the sun shone down on my puppy and I as we explored the nooks and crannies of Nosehill. I’m grateful for sweet music and bubble baths. I am grateful that my life is full of love. And I'm grateful for Bubble Bath Sunday.

DAY 1

One of the things I’ve been reading about lately is affirmations - that you should start each day with positive loving thoughts towards yourself. Before you even get out of bed or open your eyes - you tell yourself something wonderful. You think of everything you have to be grateful for. You set your intention for a wonderful day. I think that sounds like a nice way to start a day.

I half woke up to the hubbies alarm, as I always do, and was immediately met with a hurricane of fear, doubt and flat out self loathing. My thoughts began to race with regret over posting my last blog before going to bed. 

“What if it all sounds ridiculous? What if people just think I’m being stupid? What if I AM just being stupid? Why am I so freaking needy? Why didn’t I watch what I ate yesterday? I think I gained 5 pounds. Why is my husband making so much freaking noise this morning - I’ll never get back to sleep now! Maybe I should get up anyway and delete that stupid blog. What the hell am I thinking turning my life into some kind of confessional all of a sudden. Why can’t I remember any dreams for my dream journal?Why am I losing my freaking mind???!!!”

This is why I seek Jeebus at the church of Yoga.

Before I was even fully conscious I was consumed with the fear of failure and judgement. I felt sick and angry. And I deeply resented the fact that all of my usual numbing agents are off limits. No cooking show playing in the background while I check email and troll facebook looking for evidence that I have a life and people love me. No wine to look forward to after the trials of another day as a working stiff. 

So I got up. And I made a cup of tea. I decided it would be worth it to use up 1 of my 30 allotted facebook minutes just to confirm whether the whole world had in fact discovered that I’m a huge fraud and they all hate the blog - or worse yet - that they thought nothing! That no one cares and I have no new notifications. Horror of horrors.

But it turns out Ayla loves me. She thinks I already know this but it would be nice to hear anyway. She is right and I am grateful. Ayla loves me. Ayla loves me and I start to feel better.

I reread yesterdays post. It didn’t introduce the challenge in quite the way I had imagined introducing it - but it did introduce the challenge. It’s out there. And I’m still scared but as I reread I’m reminded of why I want to do all these things and go on this journey. 

I don’t want to tune out anymore. I want to tune in. I want to face the voices in my head  (ok seriously - I sound like a nutter) till they lose their grip. Or better yet - are replaced with feelings of acceptance and ease. I want peace of mind and a heart that is full gratitude.

So my eyes are open and I’m out of bed. I’m halfway through my cup of tea and it isn’t 8:00 am yet so I still have time to take a moment to ground myself before the work day.

5 reasons Ayla loves me and I should too.

1. I am honest. 
2. I am strong.
3. I’m a good kisser.
4. I make a mean turkey pot pie.
5. I have a good heart.

I have a lot of fear in me today. I feel better but I can still feel icy fingers wrapped around my heart, ready to squeeze my chest and fill me with dread. I think it’s because I’m daring to fight my demons. To drag their asses out into the light of day and expose their manipulations and techniques to the world. I’m threatening not to feed them and they aren’t going to take that lying down. They are willing - delighted even - to fight me, tooth and nail, on this journey of change. Because they know what I know.

It’s me or them. 

I really need to get to yoga today. They hate that.

Ok. I'm breathing.  I can do this. It's 8:15 am on Day 1 and I feel like a bit of a train-wreck. But I CAN do this. 

I can do this. 

Free Passes and Art Appreciation

Wow. Today was a doozy! In large part because tomorrow is going to be such a doozie and because yesterday was such a doozie. But wow!

So it’s August 31. Why is that significant? Because tomorrow is Day 1. 1 of 90. 1 of forever. One of now. One of change. I need change.

So how will I get change? By force? With time? 

Maybe if I change a bunch of stuff? What would that do? 

So I’ve come up with a plan. And since I love a challenge...

Are you tired yet? I’m already exhausted. Okay - deep breath...deeper breath.......even deeper breath..............

And exhale.

The 90 Day I am Challenge.

No Booze.

No real sugar sugar.

No POP.

Television - No more than 2 hours a day 5 days a week (try to make good choices!) One Day with no television. One day with as much as I freaking want so don’t even try to call me!

Facebook etc - No more than 30 minutes a day. Facebook might be the devil. 

Yoga - min 5 days a week - but way more importantly - invest in this. Show up on the mat - really show up. And smile when you can. And keep lookin’ fer jeebus.

Meditation - Do some. Try to make it the prosperous kind. But really - make it the happy kind.

Dream Journal - this challenge was a gift from my hubby. He loves dreams and dreaming. And he gets that a journey of self discovery should definitely include attention to dreams! I can only imagine how all the changes will affect my dreams and actually recording them so I can follow the evolution is super exciting . But I am terrified of what I might share and what it could reveal. ESPECIALLY - because dreams are so open to interpretation!!! I hate interpretation. Although I often require it.

Intuition Development - My genius friend Melanie Jones  (look her up under Awesome Prophet or Bad Ass Smoothie) gave me the challenge of developing my intuition. So, as she puts it, I’ll never need another ‘pros and cons’ list again!!  She has recommended a book as a starting place and has asked that I apply the lessons for 90 days to invest in my own sense of intuition. This will be very cool!

Somehow I just “know” it... 

: )

Bubble Baths - Once week I will devote 90 minutes to Girly-Time-Bubble-Bath Goodness. I’m thinking Bubble Bath Sunday has a nice ring to it. To me a bath represents indulgence and an investment in sensuality.

I think sensuality is one of the most fulfilling qualities a woman can have. 

Pepper that with a little blue haired burlesque fantasy and a killer soundtrack and you have a deeply satisfying Sunday Night. 

I’m looking forward to those. 

(I apologize if that last exchange burned your eyeballs out of their sockets or made you want to barf.)

Appreciate Nature - to me this is huge to syncing in with the universe. I’m so glad I'll start in the fall because Fall is my all time favourite season. Fleeting. Gorgeous. Falling (I do that sometimes) and more beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen.

Art Appreciation.

An Attitude of Gratitude. Once a day I will check in with gratitude.  I will appreciate what I am TODAY!! I will see the good. The now. The plentiful. 

That wasn’t a fat crack...

LOVE MYSELF - I have got to stop with the negative self talk. I have to be able to believe in who I am and what I’m capable of and I have to say FUCK OFF to the nattering mosquito of ‘ohwhatthefuckdoyouknow’?

I have to be kind to me because I’m a gentle-creature-approaching-middle-age-that-needs tending.

Which brings me to...

FREE PASSES!!!

I get 5. 

5 in 90’s days. So don’t get all “whu?? Free Passes?”....

I get 5.

Because I’m not striving for perfection. I’m striving for balance. And I don’t want to force. I want to choose. I choose the right to choose! And whatever I choose - I just want to try to understand why I chose it. And then I want to not judge it and just see it. And then I want to do some yoga, count my blessings and take a deep breath. And then an even deeper one. 

And by then I’m probably hungry again.

So I want to eat well. And with as little harm as possible. Mindfully.

So I think that’s it. I still have a challenge coming from my mom and I’m going to ask Cheryl to lend me a book of her choosing. AND - perhaps the most exciting thing of all??!!

I’m going to sober dance. So look the fuck out. For reals.