Oh my.
I am now beginning the third month in my personal challenge and I have to be honest and say that in some ways I feel like I'm starting all over. Even though I know that every day spent living a happier and more fulfilled life - or even just another day spent striving for that - becomes a kind of building block in the foundation of my future - sometimes it feels like I live in a house of cards and if one gets pulled out the whole damn deck comes flying apart, exposing a cowering and terrified version of me.
There is some back story needed here. But it's difficult to reveal. I'm already struggling with this feeling of shame or disappointment in myself and I'm much happier reporting on my successes frankly. But that's not what this journey is about and I need to get straight with myself today so I can move forward.
So Saturday was my big use a pass and go out dancing with my girlfriend night. I wanted to find a fun sexy costume that showed off 10 months of hard work losing weight. I wanted to enjoy my favourite cocktails and dance the night away in a sensual whirlwind of strength and abandon. I wanted to feel strong, healthy, beautiful and free. I had every intention of sweating off anything I drank and finishing the night with a soothing cup of tea and some girl talk. I was sure I would end the night having had a great time indulging my vices a bit, but ultimately proud of my ability to balance it all.
I mean why wouldn't it go that way?
But it didn't.
Nothing outrageous happened. But I didn't have a wonderful time and I did go to bed drunk. And I woke up feeling like I'd lost something. Something more precious than part of a costume or a purse. Like somehow I'd lost time or life or a part of my heart. I spent my pajama clad Sunday trying to understand why I felt so deeply disappointed. So deeply sad.
The facts were - for the past two months I have consumed next to no alcohol so just having a couple stiff drinks with my friend as we got ready was enough to get me right tipsy. Then when we got to the party, habit and custom led to a couple more drinks and so I was intoxicated. But it was more than just that - or at least it went to a place that was deeper. I just wasn't happy. I felt cheap (my sexy catwoman getup was NOT helping things). I felt desperate. Lonely. Scared?
Restless.
I just felt wrong. And I think that feeling led me to trying to find my missing mojo in a cocktail or on the dance floor but it was just as missing as my purse (which thank god Cheryl located minutes later). My mojo had left the building and instead of finding strength, purpose and meaning inside myself - I was looking for it on the scale, in the mirror, from strangers at a party, and in a cocktail.
Today is the first day of a 21 Day Awakening program that I'm doing at the Bodhi Tree. Every day we receive inspirational materials and tasks that are intended to help us 'awaken' to a deeper purpose, meaning in our lives in some way. That's the coles notes anyway. Todays challenge was to examine our limiting beliefs about ourselves. I think that my limiting beliefs probably have alot to do with what made my Saturday night leave me with such a sense of loss.
Here is what we were given to consider. I'm going take a kick at them here and now.
1. What kind of beliefs do you have about yourself, your goals, your life at the moment?
I'm scared to death at the moment. I resigned from a career I spent the past 8 years building and I don’t know what comes next. I applied for a position that would have given me direction and would have looked great on paper but found out last week that I was not offered the placement. I am left with the unknown and an empty bank account. I am afraid that I will fail. I’m afraid that reality will swoop in and smash the hell out of my dreams. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that I will disappear and all the magic will drain out of my life. I'm afraid my dreams are greater than my abilities and that I'll humiliate myself by stepping off the edge and landing with a splat.
2. Are these beliefs helping you or disempowering you?
These are definitely not helpful thoughts.
3. Are these beliefs true or just self-created boundaries?
I don’t know. I know that there are days when I truly believe I am capable of creating a more beautiful life than I ever imagined. Then there are days when I remember how bad life can get and I fear the worst.
4. In what ways have you been selling yourself short by buying into these beliefs?
I don’t trust that I am enough. I don’t give myself the same love and respect that I would give a friend. I don’t easily love or forgive myself. I assume that my worth is measurable in very surface and specific ways
5. Do you want to continue holding onto them?
NO.
Now I'm suppose to list 5 limiting beliefs that I hold about myself. Oh God. Look away.
1. The older I get the less attractive I become and that makes people respect me less.
2. I do not have the talent to succeed in the career I want.
3. I will never be at peace with who I really am.
4. I will never love myself without conditions
5. I don't have the confidence and courage to live the life of my dreams.
Now I'm suppose to turn them around and make them affirmations that I will repeat to myself at least 5 times a day.
1. I am beautiful the way the I am and people respect me for being myself.
2. I have the creativity, talent and imagination to flourish in my career - any career I choose.
3. I am at peace with who and what I am today.
4. I love myself without conditions or limitations because I am ENOUGH.
5. I have the confidence and courage to fearlessly live the life of my dreams.
That is really hard for me to do today. I hate coming at things like this when you feel a bit kicked around - but I felt that it was important for me to commit to this homework today.
Ultimately I think what happened this weekend was the me who is emerging out of this year suddenly came face to face with an out of date version of myself and what was so disappointing to me was that new me just sat down and said "ok, if you want to dress up like someone needing to prove sexual relevance, drink too much and basically wander about aimlessly with nothing to offer beyond the smallest of talk and an empty gaze - have at 'er." I mean - WTF? I thought new, healthy, balanced Iam would have stepped in and been like - "sorry hunny - this show was cancelled in the 90's and you need to let it go already."
I'm bummed that I wasn't fabulous. I'm bummed that for the first time in my 90 day challenge I feel like I really failed. But I am grateful that I learned from it. And I really did. I came a step closer to understanding what I want for myself. And what I very definitely don't want for myself.
It was a helluva week that ended with a stomach flu so I haven't been to yoga in like 4 days now which hasn't helped any. I'm really hoping I'm up for it tomorrow.
I need to get back to my mat and back to myself.
