Bubble Bath Sunday

I have successfully completed my first Bubble Bath Sunday. I bought a new cd by one of my yoga teachers (Amy) at Bodhi Tree which was absolutely the perfect soundtrack to close out this roller coaster week.There were bath salts (thanks to my ‘Queens’) and bubbles and my aching back and feet were crying out in ecstasy.

I’m clean, I’m relaxed and I’m pretty content all round. Though I have to tell you, the “Nutracleanse” gruel that I just spooned reluctantly down my throat makes a sorry ass substitute for a glass of red.

But I digress.

Ahhhhhhh. Where to begin?

I haven’t posted anything in a few days because I’ve been pretty busy just trying to keep up with it all. Somehow I imagined cutting out so many vices would lead to loads of extra time but that hasn’t been the case. And I thought early nights and clean living would result in feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, but actually I’ve felt really beat. And I think I’ve started to understand why.

I’m not physically addicted to my ‘numb’-ers. I can go without a drink or a boobtube distraction or tub of Haagen Daaz ‘physically’ no problem. For me it’s a mental or emotional addiction. Alcohol has always been my ‘gone fishing’ shingle. It’s how I tell the world and myself that I’ve closed up shop for the day. Without it I sometimes struggle with guilt over chores I should have done or an email I should have sent or that whole giant project I haven’t figured out yet. Or I that I have to face that conversation I need to have with someone. Worst thing of all is just being left with all these damn voices in my head!! Telling me I shouldn’t be relaxing when there are so many things I “ought” to do. 

Enter television. The sweet distraction of someone else’s insanity. I don’t have problems so long as I’m not the one screeching “Who wants to see my HOH Room!!???” or being voted off the island or not getting the rose. See, I’ve come to love reality shows just because there is absolutely no way I’ll have to think or feel anything real as long as they are on. I know. I am a horrible person and you have less respect for me already. You’re all watching documentaries or the news or some fascinating 60 minute interview with a humanitarian who is telling us we are destroying the planet. You should hang out with my husband - he’s all about them. Well, that and zombie movies. He wants to know exactly how we are destroying the planet or every possible way in which the world could end.

But I don’t want to face that stuff. It’s too hard. It overwhelms me. It leads to Haagen Daaz.

I never remember dreams. Well hardly ever. I was disappointed I hadn’t had any dreams to journal about so last night, right before I went to sleep, I asked:

“Bring me dreams. Bring me dreams. Bring me dreams.” And Holy Shit - if it didn’t work! I had three!!!

After journalling about them this morning I realized that they were all about one thing (well two were - in one all I remember is making Prof. Black a deli sandwich at a block party because he couldn’t reach the meat) - anyway - they were all about feeling overwhelmed. Wanting ‘off the ride’. Missing the bus. Carrying bags that were way too heavy. Not being able to get where I was going. Being jealous, scared, attacked, denied, afraid, embarrassed. Exhausted.

So no I didn’t wake up extra bushy tailed per-say, but perhaps with a little more insight?

And the purpose of this challenge is ultimately to just face it. I don’t know about fixing anything, but I am ready to face things and that’s enough right now. That’s LOTS.

So I tune out because I fear that tuning in will overwhelm me. Or something like that.

And what I think I’m coming to understand is that I have to face things head on. And if a giant wave of holy crap starts heading straight for me I just have to take a deep breath and surrender. Not lie down and drown. Just stand, firmly rooted, and surrender to the fact that if the wave does crash all I can do is let it and see where I stand when it’s all over.

Maybe I should have taken those surf lessons...

I am grateful that I am healthy. I am grateful that I have an incredible support system. I am grateful for having the Bodhi Tree to go to and that I always receive just what I need there. I am grateful that the sun shone down on my puppy and I as we explored the nooks and crannies of Nosehill. I’m grateful for sweet music and bubble baths. I am grateful that my life is full of love. And I'm grateful for Bubble Bath Sunday.