December 5 2011 I will be 40 years old. 

I’m not afraid of my forties. I’m even excited about them. You know - the whole “Fierce, Fabulous and Forty” thing appeals to me. What I realized I was afraid of though, not long after I turned 39, was - how I was going to feel when I turned 40. 

Just weeks after turning 39, New Year’s Eve in fact, I was mourning the loss of a vital and brilliant colleague who was taken suddenly and much too soon at the age of 50. I was totally immobilized in bed because once again my back had gone out and the pain was excruciating. I was feeling overwhelmed by my job and underwhelmed by my life. I was depressed as hell. 

I felt a thousand years old.

I thought to myself - tomorrow is the first day of the year you turn 40. How are you going to live this year? On your 40th birthday do you want to feel like you do right now?? Or do you want to make the decision right now to change your life and devote yourself, and this year, to becoming the strongest, healthiest, happiest Iam you’ve ever been. 

On December 5th, can I wake up and think - I’m forty and I’m ready. I’m forty and I’ve never been happier. I’m forty and my life has just begun!! I’m 40 and I know who I am.

I started by going to the doctor for a complete medical check up and discovered that what I thought were possibly heart related issues were actually classic anxiety attacks. My cholesterol was high and my blood work told the story of an overly stressed woman who was headed for health issues if she didn’t make some changes. I needed to lose weight. I needed to find a way to care for my back and neck and I needed to figure out how to handle stress. The doctor recommended regular exercise, yoga, and meditation. And an immediate reduction of alcohol, sugar and caffeine because they are inflammatory and that is a contributing factor in the anxiety attacks.

So started tracking my calorie intake on a site called Loseit.com and I walked the dog at least 30 minutes a day. I reduced sugar significantly and swore off diet pepsi (for the most part) but the morning tea cup of tea (or two) wasn’t gonna budge. Alcohol was a battle for another day.

Then I started doing Yoga.

I’d never been able to get into yoga. The perfectionist in me couldn’t stand feeling so totally decrepit because I had no balance, tight hips, and very little mobility. I didn’t want to face a yoga class. It wasn’t exciting enough. It was expensive. Lululemon doesn’t sell extra large!! And a million other excuses. Then my mom brought Wii-fit and they have a yoga program!! Whammo!! I tried it out and thought I can do this!! It’s challenging without being impossible, it’s free, and best of all I can do it at home where I don’t have to worry about being embarrassed. 

After a day or two I thought - I wonder if I could do it everyday for 30 days straight? I’d heard people did that - and I’m goal oriented so I liked the thought of the challenge!

And I did it.

After 60 days straight I’d lost 20+ pounds, stopped eating meat and started drinking what I call Melanie Jones’ Bad Ass Smoothies and felt a million times better.

But I wanted more.

So I looked up yoga studios and found The Bodhi Tree. They had begun a 28 Day Awakening program the day before. Ooooh!!! A program!! A challenge!! I was nervous but I was incredibly proud of my 60 consecutive days of yoga and I wanted more!!!

The program was amazing because it wasn’t just about the physical practice. It was about awakening to your best life. Opening up emotionally. Tuning in instead of tuning out. I made a vision board and set some goals and started feeling really excited about all the possible paths my life could take. I started to truly believe that I could have and deserved the life of my dreams!!! A miracle was taking place and my universe was shifting for the better. And now I’d done 90 consecutive days of yoga and I was a Lulu lemon size 10. Woohoo!!!!

Then work turned the screws again. I was still doing daily yoga but because of my work schedule it had to be home-based. My project was hugely daunting and intimidating but I faced it as bravely as I could and took things one day at a time. I also chopped my hair off and died it blue. I was still evolving. And I needed change.

Then the darkness came. The yoga whiplash I’d been fearing. What goes up, must come down. There can be no light without dark. Huge professional disappointment led to feelings of humiliation and disgrace. My best efforts had not been enough. I felt completely overwhelmed and I was an emotional basket case. Because it wasn’t just a project. It was my career. It was my hopes and dreams. It had become my life. Myself. And it wasn’t enough.

I did my yoga every day but I started doing it while watching soaps or cooking shows.  

I did it post gin soda. I did it because I had to. Not because I loved it. I didn’t love yoga as much as I loved the number. My heart wasn’t in it but my ego couldn’t let go of the tally. Yoga 100. Yoga 110. Yoga 120. 35 lbs lost. 

I was miserable, defeated and sinking.

So I decided to take a road trip. THAT would inspire me! THAT would turn it around. I’ll go to the ocean and do yoga watching the surfers. Hell! I’ll learn to surf!! I’ll become a kick ass blue haired surfing yoga chick!! That’s who I’ll be!! That’s how I’ll recapture the lost bliss.

It rained and rained.  I did yoga every day. Sometimes it was showing off. Sometimes it was a notch on my yoga headboard. Sometimes it was drunk.

I didn’t surf. 

Then I had an accident - which led to a concussion - which led to an exhaustion related seizure - which led to an ambulance ride which led to a ct scan - which led to a “No yoga for you. Not for a week anyway.” 

And so project Yoga 365 went up in smoke and my road trip to Bummers-ville was complete. 

I spent my first weekend home locked away in my office. Numbing out to hours of television. Once again I felt overwhelmed. Once again all the colour had gone out of life.  

I was thinner. I did yoga. I was more miserable than ever.

But I wasn’t dead, so I had to choose. Something.

I put one foot in front of the other. I took it easy for a while and then slowly started to get back on the program. I signed up for a month pass at the Bodhi Tree. And I started going for very long walks while listening to audio books. Eckhart Tolle, Louise Hay and Ernest Hemingway to get me started. And I remembered to breathe.

I’m getting to the yoga studio 5 times a week. I’m not counting anything - not even calories at the moment - but I’m consistently exercising, eating well and continuing to remember to breathe.

The colour is returning to my world and I have a plan. What comes next is very exciting.

I decided to document things in a blog for a number of reasons.

1. I thrive on accountability.

2. I want to have a record for myself of what this year has been and old school journalling is a bit of a nightmare for me because I have the penmanship of 2 year old.

3. If anything I do, say, learn, share  or experience can help, comfort, inspire or inform another person in anyway it will have been worthwhile to have shared it. 

4. I want the people I love and those that love me to have a way to be part of (or have a window into) what I'm going through.

5. I have a feeling any feedback I may receive from my amazing loved ones will be the best therapy EVER!!

This post is huge. I know. But it's all about setting a context I guess.

I love you. Wish me luck!

Iam